Why I hate my dog
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: Thu Nov 20 04:19:41 2003
My dog is a big giant asshole. She is one year old and I have spent every available minute with her when I am not at work. She sleeps with me, she runs errands with me, and I put her stupid photo on my friggin christmas card last year. Despite my love and attention she has done the following:
1) Eaten seventeen pairs of panties, ten of which cost more than fifteen dollars a pair
2) Chewed the legs off the new furniture after I've fallen asleep at night
3) Ripped out two sago palms worth roughly forty dollars each
4) Eaten four T-bone steaks directly off the grill
5) Pissed in my new late model SUV while I was in the grocery store (less than ten minutes each visit) not once, not twice, but THREE times.
6) Shit in my friend's car who swore that I just needed "a little time out" from her...TWICE
7) Ripped out every cactus I planted BY HAND into a little bed in the backyard when I sent her out for a pee-pee break.
8) Shit IN THE SINK in my guest bathroom, when I put her in there briefly b/c a neighbor's child showed up unexpectedly
9) Dug a hole entirely surrounding my A/C unit, thereby rendering it structurally unstable
10) Ate a stick of butter unattended on the kitchen counter and diarrhea'd all over the carpet the whole night while I was sleeping
11) Ate a first edition P.J. O'Rourke signed book--simply unforgivable
12) Blasted shit OUT OF her kennel through the bars of her doggie cage while a friend dog-sat her. I am not kidding--she literally put her ass against the bars and expelled crap so that it went across the kitchen floor. Our friendship nearly ended over this incident.
13) I found another unsuspecting friend to dog sit and she conspired with his dog--who had a rudimentary working knowledge of the neighborhood layout--to travel to within a mile of the local shelter, thereby ensuring their capture.
14) There is so much more: the drawings my children made that she ate while I was folding laundry ten feet way, the lanterns in the garden that were destroyed by a whip of the tail...so much more....
And don't think that I don't pay enough attention or that I should take the time to train her. I've done both. She is fully trained to both whistle and hand commands. She has more toys than most children, and she sleeps in my bed at night. She's just evil and destructive. And don't bother sending me flaming emails about responsible pet ownership, I'll just delete them because you have NO IDEA what it is like to live with a dog who dedicates its life to destroying all that you hold dear. My little four-legged terrorist is bored, angry, whatever...I don't care. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
Oh, and BTW, just got a call that she somehow dug out of the yard (which is ringed in concrete) to make a not-so-incredible five mile journey to the local junior college. The person who has her currently has reassured us that "God loves us" but we need to get our shitty dog right away before she sends her to the pound. I think that God works in mysterious ways and our shitty dog is with her for a reason that we mere mortals should not question. PS/ If this is you that found our shitty dog--please stop calling. Thank you and good luck.
By the way, if she comes back and you are looking for a companion pet, she is free to a good home. Please respond ASAP.